Poor Query Trend

We had a brief sitdown this week to discuss queries/submissions, and Nancy brought up something that really bothered her. It's something that I have been noticing over the last year, and it's gotten increasingly worse.

People are not proofreading their e-queries.

In some cases worse than others. But I can't tell you how many times we see spelling errors (note: most email programs have a spell-check these days), punctuation errors, and even sentences that don't make sense.

This is really a more recent thing. Of course there were always queries that had these issues, but we're seeing it more and more. And it seems like it should be common sense, right?

We're kind of at a loss as to why this is happening, and the only thing I can think of is that emailing makes it really easy to just type something out and hit "Send." Whereas, when we were all paying for postage on queries, perhaps more attention was paid? (note: I was a querying writer before email queries really came to be.)

I don't know. And I'm not knocking anyone in particular. There are also a number of e-queries that come in that are clearly proofread and professional.

(note: I'm not one to be picky about ONE error and neither is Nancy. Lately it's been more queries that are *riddled* with them.)

The issue here is that when I see that in a query, no matter how good your story is, I'm going to think the whole manuscript will read that way. It becomes an easy pass.

And while I'm currently closed to queries, Suzie, Kathleen and Nancy are not. They will pass if they see this.

Proofread those queries, guys!

Caught up on Queries

I'm caught up on queries as of 9pm tonight--and I'm still requesting up until Thursday!

Joanna Is Closing to Queries

Dear Writers,

I am officially closing to submissions as of next Thursday, December 1, 2011, and I won't be re-opening until late spring.

If I have your manuscript or partial currently, I am still considering your submission and will respond to you personally when I have finished reading.

This was a difficult decision, but ultimately, I would like to focus on my clients and developing the projects that I currently have in the works.

But! No reason to despair! We've got three other fantastic agents at Nancy Coffey Literary: Suzie Townsend, Kathleen Ortiz, and Nancy Coffey herself!

So I do hope you'll try one of these ladies. Their full bios and interests can be found here.

However...if you want the skinny on what they're really looking for....

Nancy has been on the lookout for a strong, commercial, character-driven thriller for as long as I've known her. She's picky, but she's hungry for one--and she's one of the best agents in the business, in my humble opinion.

Kathleen is drawn to projects that have a darker edge. She also likes ones that can make her laugh. But what she's really had her heart set on for a while is a kick ass cyberpunk with strong narrative and world-building.

Suzie has just joined the agency, and though she has a solid client list already, she is actively looking for more fabulous clients. She is one of my closest friends in the industry, and I can tell you right now...she is a romantic at heart. She is interested in all kinds of stories, but if the romance sweeps her off her feet...you've got a good shot! And she's been on the lookout for a hi-fantasy YA forever (though it would need to be very different from Cat Hellisen's When the Sea Is Rising Red, which is an *awesomely* beautiful and haunting read, pre-order it now!).

I hope this insight helps!

And don't worry...I'll be back!

Best,
Joanna Volpe

We're Back!

Hi All,

So. We were waiting a bit to make sure the query email was working consistently (because at first when it was *supposedly* fixed, it was not).

And now...it is!

Our query email address is officially working. It's been tested. Many times. w00tz.

Now. If you have received an Auto-Response, that means we've seen it (or are going to read it shortly).

If you have sent a query in the past 3 weeks and have NOT received an Auto-Response, then that means we have not seen it. Please resend.

And if you're unsure or worried that we haven't received the query, resend anyway!

Also, read these awesome posts by Mike Martin and Veronica Roth. So inspiring!

QUERY EMAIL DOWN

Hi All,

So we have had the unfortunate experience this week of dealing with Gmail claiming that we are spammers - UGH.  At the moment, both our query(at)nancycoffeyliterary(dot)com address, and Suzie Townsend's email address are down.  They are receiving emails, but we are unable to send anything out.

Hopefully we'll have an update soon!

Do your research!

I don't know what is in the water these days, but in the past two weeks we have gotten more queries for genres that we DON'T work on and ARE NOT looking for than ever before. Nancy more so than I, since her taste is more specific.

Why is anyone sending Nancy paranormal, fantasy, sci-fi, mysteries, cozies, picture books, etc?

This is what is says on our website under Nancy's profile:

As an agent, I represent quality writers who have a story to tell, am always on the lookout for strong historicals or historical romances, haunting gothics, upmarket women's fiction, big commercial military thrillers, literary and mainstream fiction, epic family sagas and African-American fiction and romance. Above all, I'm looking for exquisite writing and a voice that grabs me, whatever the genre.

Just because it says "exquisite writing and a voice that grabs me, whatever the genre." does not mean "query me with whatever tickles your fancy!" It's clear to see from what she is looking for and already represents what she would gravitate to. And if you're going to push the boundaries of her interest, it should still make sense.

For example, a long-standing client, Thea Devine, wrote a dark, epic, juicy gothic vampire novel that comes out next year (THE DARKEST HEART, Gallery Books, June 2011). Nancy is not looking for genre vampire books or the equivalent, but she DOES love big, juicy, epic gothics. So the vampire element isn't the element that initially attracted her here...just an added bonus.

It's all about looking for the Pattern-of-Interest (this is a term made up by me, just now, at this moment, in order to clarify my point--so please don't think it's industry standard language.). And there are many different ways to research for this. My suggestion would be to do as MUCH research as possible on the agents you plan to query.

- What does it say they are looking for on their website?

- What does it say that are NOT looking for on their website?

- What authors do they currently represent? (There is a secondary step here--after discovering who they represent and have sold, research those titles and authors as well, and if you can, read or at least flip through a couple of the books. This will give you a good sense of what kinds of voice and styles they are attracted to.)

- What have they recently sold?

- If the agent has a blog, do you follow regularly to get a better sense of his/her personal taste, interests, and voice?

- Are there any interviews that express even further interests?

Once you've gone through that checklist of research, you should see a pretty strong Pattern-of-Interest. Which should bring you to the final question:

- Does my story satisfy enough of the agent's interest/taste that it would make sense to query him/her?

Sometimes this means sending outside of the agent's typical genre--because the voice is similar to others they've represented, or it's in alignment with the agent's favorite book or TV show (or whatever the reason may be), and that's OK.

Whatever you do, the research is key. And if you don't do it, trust me when I say: We. Can. Tell.

Queries That Work

Susan Dennard recently discussed her query process on her blog, and we thought we'd add our two cents in here! We loved her query for THE SPIRIT-HUNTERS. Here's the original:

I read in an interview that you seek strong female leads as well as steampunk. As such, I thought you might enjoy my 90,000 word young adult novel, THE SPIRIT-HUNTERS.

After her brother is kidnapped, Eleanor Fitt – a sixteen-year-old with a weakness for buttered toast and Shakespeare quotes – must leave the confines of corsets and courtesy to get him back.

It’s 1876, and Philadelphia is hosting the first American World Fair, the Centennial Exhibition. It’s also hosting rancid corpses that refuse to stay dead. When one of those decomposing bodies brings Eleanor a hostage note for her brother, she resolves to do anything to rescue him. But to face the armies of Dead that have him, she’ll need a little help from the Spirit-Hunters.

The Spirit-Hunters, a three-man team hired to protect the Exhibition, have a single goal: return the Dead to their graves. Yet, what began as a handful of shambling bodies has escalated beyond the team’s abilities, and time is running out. Whoever rules the Dead is losing control, and when the leash finally snaps, Philadelphia will be overrun with ravenous corpses.

Now Eleanor must battle the walking Dead and deal with her growing attraction to the team’s inventor, Daniel, an exasperating but gorgeous ex-con. From the steampunk lab of the Spirit-Hunters to the grand halls of the Exhibition, Eleanor must follow the clues – and the bodies – to find her brother and stop the Dead before it’s too late.

Though the novel has been written as a trilogy, it can stand alone. I believe it will appeal to fans of Libba Bray’s GEMMA DOYLE trilogy or Cassandra Clare’s CLOCKWORK ANGEL. I’m an active member of RWA, SCBWI, the Online Science Fiction and Fantasy Workshop, and YALitChat. I live in Germany and am working full-time on my next YA novels.

In Susan's words: "I spent a loooooooong time honing my query letter. Like, I took workshops, read books, and got feedback until my eyes bled. A few rules I kept in mind:

1. Be brief, be brief, be brief! Your goal is to snag the agent’s attention immediately and only share enough information so they want to read more. Keep the story summary under 250 words.

2. Do not tell the ending! The purpose of a query is to show an editor/agent that you can tell a story from beginning to end, but you want to leave the end unknown. This is much like the back of book – you want to sell your story and entice them to read more.

3. You must lay out the MC’s goal, why the MC is choosing to act, and what’s at stake if the MC fails."

What we loved about this query started in line one. When Susan mentioned how she found and came to query Joanna, it was obvious she'd done her research. She goes on to very concisely state who the MC is, and who she must become before the end of the story. And from there, the story grows: what starts out as a story about one character suddenly involves that character's brother, her city's safety, and an intriguing relationship with a group that sounds a lot like the 1800s version of the Ghostbusters (who Joanna and I love--there's no way Susan could have known that, but it caught our attention).

Actually, when Joanna and I pitched this novel, we said it was Ghostbusters meets Cassandra Clare meets Libba Bray. Susan's comparison books were spot-on for her story and her writing style, andthat made it easy to see not only how we could pitch the novel, but who we could pitch it to. Susan actually has some good news about THE SPIRIT-HUNTERS over at her blog...

Another good query example? Kody Keplinger's query for THE DUFF. Joanna and Kody did an interview about it over at YA Highway. One of the most quoted lines from the book is from the cover copy--the description of Bianca's relationship with Wesley is "enemies-with-benefits." That line first showed up in her query letter, and it wound up on the book!

Having a strong, clever line like that makes it easy for an agent to start picturing how he or she would pitch the book.

Here's Kody's original query for THE DUFF:

Seventeen-year-old Bianca knows she’s the Duff (the designated ugly, fat friend). So whenWesley, a notorious womanizer, approaches her at a party she knows he wants to score with one—or both—of her hot friends. God, the man-whore’s arrogance really pisses her off! But Bianca needs to escape from some personal drama, like her mom’s abandonment and her dad’s denial, and a steamy fling with Wesley seems like the perfect distraction. Bianca makes it clear she’s only using Wesley, as if he cares. He’ll sleep with anything that moves after all. Unfortunately, the enemies-with-benefits plan totally backfires.

When her mom files for divorce and her father stumbles into a downward spiral of drinking and depression, Wesley proves to be a surprisingly good listener, and Bianca finds out that his family is pretty screwed up, too. As sickening as it sounds, she has to admit that she andWesley are a lot alike. Soon she becomes jealous of the pretty girls he flirts with and his cocky grin begins to grow on her. Suddenly Bianca realizes—with absolute horror—that she’s falling for the guy she thought she hated.

THE DUFF, my contemporary YA novel, is complete at 53,000 words. The manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

In the interview on YA Highway, Kody said, "I went through about a million rounds on this query, changing things and then changing them back and cutting and adding. In the end, I went with my instinct and kept a few of the lines that others suggested I take out. For example, the 'enemies-with-benefits' line is my favorite in the query, and a few critiquers thought it didn't work. but I stuck to my guns and kept it - and that line made it into my flap copy! Other lines people suggested I cut went on the floor and will never be seen again. The first draft of this query was HORRIBLE and it never would have improved without the fresh eyes that helped me polish it."

So what caught Joanna's eye here? What made this a good query? Go see Jo's answer here!

These queries have a few things in common: they're concise, they clearly state conflict, and both authors know who their audience is. But the commonality that ultimately made them shine? Both authors had good critique groups looking over the query, and they developed good instincts about their groups' responses. Yes, there are a thousand tricks you can use to describe your novel in 250 words--and many of these are good tricks! But people who have read your novel, people who get your novel giving you feedback--well, that's a resource there's no replacement for.

November is here, and it's intense. And we love it.

So November is not going to be doing anything halfway, it seems. It is the first of the month, and we already have client news; we have agency news; many of you brave souls have NaNoWriMo (and we salute you. You can't see us, I know, but we are saluting); and also the temperature in New York plummeted today, and it made everyone here sad, and once we'd finished complaining about how cold it was, we made an office trip to get ice cream. *I know* eating ice cream is not going to convince the universe that it is actually summer. But it seemed like it was worth a shot.

Things That Have Already Happened This Month:

1. The School Library Journal reviewed Kody Keplinger's The DUFF, and had this to say about it: "This debut novel is a fun read and surprisingly feminist in a number of ways. Keplinger makes good points about female body image and female friendship, and discusses how both men and women use offensive terms about women as a means of social control." It's a story, the review says, that "reluctant readers" will love. Congrats, Kody!! Huge smiles from all of us here.

2. Romance Writers Report is a fantastically fun magazine, and it is a happy, happy day in the office when our copy comes in. We are just one day late on posting about this...last month's cover:

That person in the top picture on the left is Meg Cabot. And next to her is our very own Erica O'Rourke. YAY, Erica!! Erica won the Golden Heart Award at this year's RWA (Romance Writers of America) conference, held in Florida, and accepted the award from Meg Cabot. More huge smiles on this one!

3. Today is the day our query guidelines change. Haven't heard about the changes yet? You can read all about them here. We are now also accepting sample pages. Please post the first five pages of your novel in the body of your email if you are e-querying. We cannot open attachments.

4. NaNoWriMo. So impressed by everyone who has decided to participate. If you're looking for motivation, or some good advice, check out Chuck Wendig's post here. In addition to excellent dos and dont's for the contest, there are also cyborg bears in this post. And a reference to knitting a sweater for a unicorn. Please read it.

Hope your month is off to just as wonderful a start! Though no matter how it's started, I recommend ice cream.

Don't Forget--New Submission Guidelines!

Sara will be back later to introduce someone new to you guys, but I just wanted to remind you that November 1 is approaching!

Starting Monday our Submission Guidelines change. Read about it in detail here.

Query Questions

When I posted the other day about a new Query No-No, I received a couple of good questions in the comments that I'd like to address for everyone to benefit from the answer.

The first one asked whether or not you should send a "thank you" email to an agent after getting a response to your query.

Truly, there is no need to send a thank you note. You don't have to thank me for reading your query. I invited you to send it (as per my guidelines), and I reviewed it and made a decision whether or not I'm interested in seeing your work. That's it. Not only that, but a thank you note just becomes another email in an already crowded inbox. When I receive a thank you email, as soon as I realize what it is, I delete it, even if that means that I don't finish reading it. It's not meant to be rude at all, it's just a time issue. My mother raised me to always thank someone when they've done something for me, so believe me when I say that I understand how it goes against your grain NOT to send a thank you note. But hold back. Just don't do it.

The other question was in a few parts, so I'm going to post it directly here:

The only contradictory advice I've heard deals with what an agent's response means. I understand rejection form letters---they mean move on. If I'm lucky enough to get any suggestions or comments, I strongly consider using them. But I've heard that silence can mean a lot of different things. I've heard it can mean 'no' or 'I'm extremely busy right now and I'll get to it'. So if you have time, maybe you can shed some light on this for me. Do I call or not call? Do I resubmit or not resubmit?

First things first--you never, ever call. If you're going to follow up at all, you follow up via email. As for when do you follow up, first check what the agent's guidelines state. On our website, we state that no one should follow up on a partial or full manuscript prior to eight weeks (unless they've been offered representation). After eight weeks, if you'd like to follow up, make sure to do it within the same correspondence so the work is right there for me to connect you to it, and keep it concise. An agent's website also might state that they'll contact you if they're interested, but otherwise they don't respond. If that's the case, the silence can mean NO.

But in truth, silence really can mean MANY things. So I can't really shed more light on it for you than that. I hope what advice I gave did help though!

Query No-no

I have noticed a new trend in query responses. After passing on a project, I get a particular question so often that last week I decided to count how many times. It was 11 if you're curious. This is the gist of what the question is:

"Can you suggest another agent/agency that might be better suited for my work?"

No, I will not do your research for you. There are times when agents DO make referrals. And on those very rare occasions, they will do it without being prompted.

Is there a website/blog/publication out there that is advising writers to do this?

Clarification on the agency's NEW submission guidelines

As you may well know, we’re changing our submission guidelines here at Nancy Coffey Lit starting November 1, 2010. For those of you who haven’t heard yet, please read the post on it here.

We invited readers to respond/pose questions at this time so we could better understand what about the new guidelines works for querying writers, and what doesn’t.

This was one of the comments made:

Anonymous said...

For a mutually dependent relationship (the agent needs her author's ms to sell, the author needs the agent to sell her ms), the power structure between a querying author and an agent is completely one-sided. The author pursues the relationship with the agent. I do not find it unreasonable for the agent to in kind show professional courtesy and say that the query was not only received but reviewed and rejected (automated response or not, there's nothing else that can confirm for an author that the query wasn't lost after the fact--which does happen).

There is free software on the internet that allows a user to enhance her copying and pasting abilities. You can write a standard rejection letter (or multiple variations to cover the most frequent responses you may encounter [this isn't right for me, keep trying, look at our submission guidelines, etc]). CTL+ALT+# and you've pasted and sent your form rejection in a matter of seconds.

Even if our work is not to your liking, we are worth a couple of seconds.

Anonymous brings up some good points that I’d like to address.

I think where the confusion lies is in the very beginning of Anonymous’ comment. What he/she says is absolutely correct. An author-agent relationship is mutually beneficial and dependent. And yes, the power structure between a querying author and an agent is one-sided. But these are two different things. The first line refers to clients, and the second refers to querying writers.

I can completely see how from a writer's perspective, queries are the most important part of an agent's job. And because there are so many blogs about queries, and posts about queries, and websites devoted solely to crafting a query, it may seem like agents spend most of their day looking at and evaluating queries.

But that’s not what agents do.

An agent’s job is not to read queries or submissions. An agent’s job is not to attend conferences, or judge contests, or do interviews, or offer critiques for auction. In fact, an agent has very, very little time to spare to do any of those things at all. 98% of an agent’s time is spent on his/her clients: submitting, negotiating contracts, reading, writing up editorial notes, advising, acting as liaison, brainstorming, meeting with editors, planning with publicists, etc. And in truth, if we (at NCLMR) wanted to close to queries completely, we could and it wouldn’t affect our job at all (which is why so many agents have employed this guideline).

But that’s not what we want.

We love to find new talent. We love to discover a treasure among the pile, a writer who has all of the right tools and just needs a little help to finish creating. I know that is one of my most favorite things to do when I read my queries late into the night (because I often don’t have time while in the office). I love, love, love when a new voice has me captivated.

But this doesn’t mean that every query/submission in between isn’t worth anything.

It’s actually not a question of worth at all--as in, this writer/query is not worth a couple seconds of our time. The issue is not copy-pasting a form rejection. It's that sending any kind of response to a query can, and does, lead to a snowball effect. A form rejection, I'd say at least a third of the time, leads to a follow-up email from the writer in question. Either thanking us for taking the time to look at the query (which is well-meaning, but does take time to read), or asking for help revising the query, or asking for a more detailed explanation about why the query was rejected, or asking us to refer them elsewhere, etc. It occasionally leads to follow-up phone calls. Any response to these responses always--always--generates further communication. And the writer can say, at any point, "Aren't I worth the two seconds it takes to reject? The two minutes it takes to tell me why? The four minutes it takes to talk to me on the phone?" And it is never about worth. It's, do we have the time to talk to each of the hundreds of writers that we have to reject every week to explain why we can't take them on as a client?

The answer to that is No. We simply don’t have the time to do all of that and do our jobs. And just to clarify, our job is to represent our clients.

But I can say for us at NCLMR, whenever we DO have free time, we devote a fair amount of it to unagented writers whether it be critiquing, attending conferences, participating in contests, or even writing for this blog. And I’ve personally been on the querying end of this business before…I would have much rather the chance to win a critique then try to decipher what a form rejection means.

New Query Guidelines!

After a thrilling weekend of being ill, the Coffey Crew has returned. We are slightly less dazed from medications than we were a couple days ago; we have had many cups of tea; we are capable of having Conversations of the Week that are not “Unnghh *cough* *sneeze*”; and we have news.

Starting Novemeber 1^st, Nancy Coffey Literary will be implementing new query guidelines. *insert partying here* We’re particularly excited about change #1, and want to share with you now so that you have time to get excited, too! We’ll continue to remind you as the time gets closer, but for now, drum roll please:

1. President, agent, and all around awesome boss Nancy Coffey will be open to e-queries. She will continue to accept hardcopy queries as well. Don't know what she's looking for? Click here.

2. As of November 1^st, all queries should be sent to our new email address: Query(at)nancycoffeyliterary(dot)com. BEFORE NOV 1 YOUR QUERIES WILL NOT GO THROUGH TO THIS ACCOUNT.

3. In the subject line, include the word “Query,” along with the name of the agent you’re querying.

4. Starting November 1^st, we are switching to a “no response means no” system. That's actually not true. You always WILL get a response, as we'll have an automatic responder in place to let you know that your query has arrived safely in our inbox. If you receive an automatic response, and do not hear from us (either directly or through our Query Log) within two weeks, it means we will be passing. (It will state this in our automatic response as well.)

5. The rest of the query guidelines will remain the same; these are listed on our website.

6. We will continue to update our Query Log as well.

Again, these changes will happen on November 1^st. Continue to query as per usual until that time. Also, this is your opportunity to ask any questions you have about the new query guidelines and we will make sure to respond to all questions by the end of the week. Please post your questions in the Comment section.

It was a grey and rainy Monday here in NY. And you know what’s perfect for grey, rainy Mondays? Reading. And you know what you should read? All the free books we’re giving away!

Haven’t entered the contest yet? You can do so right here. Quick! Go! Win books!

WriteOnCon Query Winner #1!!

I wasn't going to post this query on my blog because I'm not critiquing it and I thought that it wouldn't be helpful for others if I wasn't critiquing it, right?

Then my husband said, "But wouldn't it be helpful to post a query that works and tell everyone WHY it works?"

Duh.

SO, here's Matthew's query and why it worked for me!

Dear Ms. Stampfel-Volpe,

15 Year old Lee Ruccio is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. Great opening line. Makes me wonder what Lee is all about. He obviously gets into trouble, but it seems like he doesn't want to. The last thing he expected to find at reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. Reform school tells me he got busted for some of that trouble, and then Matthew adds another layer to this story...magic. And it feels natural. One thing that frustrates me in a query is when the paranormal/supernatural element in a query doesn't come into play until the last line. I'm left scratching my head. But Matthew is laying out the story perfectly, defining the character first, then the setting. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he’s-home father, Lee’s guardians ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that’s exactly what he discovers. Just enough backstory for me to GET it.

Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student,Oooooo! Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like “The Way of Unifying With Life Energy” and “The Eight Principles of Yong.” In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu. Woah--now this academy sounds awesome and unique. Plus, I love anything involving martial arts, so sweet.

Permission to kick ass is pretty awesome when you’re fifteen and convinced it’s you against the world. Yes it is! At this point I'm pretty pumped...the first paragraph was great, so I'm down with a line like this. However, I can say, if this were an opening line, it wouldn't have packed as strong a punch (ha).

Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to manipulate their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin’ powers. And it’s a good thing Lee mostly stayed awake during class because the Master of the School is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Earth Elementals, creatures of mud and rock with brute strength and cunning logic equal to a raging hippopatamus, and their new-found friendship and magical talents are put to the test. Earth Elementals sound awesome, but now I'm more curious about why their teachers would send them into such a dangerous scenario....something is afoot!

Actually kicking ass is pretty critical when your life’s in danger and it truly is you (and your friends) against the world.

Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he’d be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again, he never thought he’d make an actual friend, earn the praise of a teacher, or fall in love either. My only revision suggestion for this query has to do with these last two lines/paragraphs. It feels like two conclusions, when you need only one. At this point you had me hooked, so it's a small thing, I don't think it would make any agent who was interested say "ya know what? never mind." So don't worry! My suggestion is to keep the second one...it wraps up the whole concept better, and the first one feels more like a repeat of above. But of course you'd have to tweak it so the transition from the previous paragraph worked.

Either way, I am so impressed! This story sounds fun, unique, and ripe for the market now. I'm looking forward to reading those first 10 pages and sharing them with Sara. Thanks for participating, Matthew!

Cheers-JV

WriteOnCon Query Critique Day 3 - Last Day!

So...if you haven't been informed yet, today is the last day of the query critique. After today, there are TWO grand prizes being announced for winning queries. Anyone who would like to revise last minute, now's your chance!! And for those of you who STILL don't know what the grand prizes are, read about them here.

Below, I have my final query critique, and before I get into it I would like to thank all of the writers who entered! I hope that my comments are helpful--and you've done a great thing by volunteering your work to help others!

Cheers--JV

Dear Ms. Stampfel-Volpe,

As one of eight rambunctious children, 10-year-old Gideon Corrigan is pretty sure that his mom wouldn’t notice if one of her kids went missing. But would she notice an extra one? Okay, I'm somewhat intrigued, andI like quirky stories, so I would read on.

When a mysterious ninth child Wait, what? Just a mysterious "ninth child," that's all we get? I think we need a tiny bit more detail here. Is the child a boy or girl? Why do they show up in the minivan of all places? And how? Do they magically appear, or is he/she waiting in the van for them one morning? It's too vague, and the concept is already strange, so you're starting to lose me. shows up in the family minivan claiming to be a Corrigan, Gideon and his squabbling siblings are speechless–for about three seconds. After that, they can’t shut up about the fact that there are too many kids. This is what they talk about? Not about the fact that this new Corrigan kid is NOT a Corrigan kid but yet claiming to be? Not that it matters, since their Mom only ever replies, “Don’t be silly, there’s just the right number.” And why doesn't she react either? You start this query from Gideon's POV, so let's stick with it--how does HE feel about this new impostor claiming to be a sibling? How does he feel about his mother's airy reaction to the new kid?

Thanks to an escalating series of bizarre events, what events? You want to make this story stand out, so give us a better idea of what it's about. the Corrigan kids know there’s something sinister about the new arrival. But that wasn't the case in the last paragraph? And as the Ninth Child why is this capped now? insinuates himself oh, the new kid is a boy...we should know this sooner. into the family, Gideon realizes that they’re all going to have to work together if they want to get rid of him, and the sooner the better. Why? What tips them off that he's evil? What is so sinister about him? There is a lot of telling here, but no showing at all. Because it’s clear to Gideon that there’s only (barely enough) room for eight kids in this family–but which eight? Huh? Isn't it obvious that the creepy, sinister one shouldn't be there? Why would they choose anyone else?

THE NINTH CHILD is a middle grade novel, complete at 25,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI. This is fine, though 25k is a little on the low side (but not unacceptable).

Overall, I really like quirky stories. Neil Gaiman, Phillip Ardagh, Roald Dahl, Andy Stanton, Dan Handler/Lemony Snicket...all of these authors have stories that if you boiled them down, sound strange or ridiculous, but what really draws you in is the voice. From the concept of this query, I get the sense that this is the type of story you're trying to write (and if I'm wrong, then something is really missing here...). Read the flap copy of their books and figure out a way to better infuse the voice of your story (and more details!) into this query.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

WriteOnCon Query Critique Day Two

So here's the second critique from WriteOnCon--for those of you who haven't been the conference site yet, check it out!!

And for those of you back to check out this night's critique--here ya go! Hope it helps.

Cheers--JV

Dear Joanna Volpe,

I’m looking forward to your presentations at the upcoming WriteOnCon. With Alison Hart’s equestrian books on your agency’s list, I thought you might be interested in my middle grade fantasy novel, THE BEAST OF BANNOCK. By saying this, I am automatically thinking that this author's work is something like Alison Hart's work. Alison is known for both contemporary and historical horse-related books--more often than not, with a female protagonist. All grounded in the real world.

Thirteen year old Ellis never intended to stumble into Bannock, never dreamed he would be marked as the long-awaited savior of a despairing kingdom—and certainly never thought he would ever find himself trapped in a horse’s body. At this point, aside from the horse connection, I'm starting to wonder why the author compared themselves to Alison. Our agency represents fantasy, so why mention only her? The protagonist is also a boy, and while Alison's Gabriel books have a boy protagonist, her most well-known titles have female protagonists, so this would already be a slightly different audience. It makes it seem like the author didn't do her research.

Wolves, snakes, falcons, seals, dragons, mice and horses—Ellis learns learned? What tense is this query in? that long ago, these animals could communicate with humans and governed (animals could communicate and govern together--the way this is written implies that the wolves, snakes, falcons, etc can govern together, communicating with humans being a separate issue) Bannock together, but the greed and corruption of the human kings caused the collapse of the peaceful land. Would be more clear as something like: ...mice and horses--long ago animals and humans governed Bannock together, but the greed and corruption of the human kings caused __ (specific event). Since, the animals have forgotten how to speak, and the civilization of Bannock has fallen into disrepair (or something like this...) Now, according to King Alaric and the mysterious Keeper, it has fallen upon Ellis to unite the kingdom again. Why? Who is Ellis? Is he from our world, or another? This is never clarified and I can't tell if this is grounded in reality at all. Secretly hoping the quest will lead him to his lost horse and ticket to freedom, he agrees to be Bannock’s fabled “Beast.” See, this is interesting--is it from a prophecy? You might want to consider starting with the prophecy, or at least a few lines of it. But Ellis gets more than he bargained for when he drinks from the sacred fountain: four hooves, an impending war and the fate of Bannock on his shoulders. Nice closing line!

THE BEAST OF BANNOCK could be described as ANIMORPHS meets the WARRIORS. Now THESE are comparative titles that work and make sense--forget Alison! (as much as I love her.) This 109,000 Woah. 109k for a middle grade? A debut? Not impossible, but definitely improbable. This makes me think that the author might not have revised this manuscript as much as they could. I still might request a partial to see, but then everything would be riding on whether those first 30 pages were obviously as tight as they can be. The 2 comparative titles you gave were not nearly this long (at least the early books in the series). word stand alone book has the potential to become a series with subsequent novels chronicling Ellis’ transformations into the other estranged animals of the broken alliance. For some reason my strike out isn't working with me tonight--so cut the blue text. We don't need that detail at this point.

My passion for children’s literature led me to obtain a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Ohio University. I am an active member in my local SCBWI chapter, frequently attend nationwide SCBWI conferences and take part in both partner and group critiquing. Please note this query is a multiple submission. I would be happy to send you my completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. Great.

Sincerely,

WriteOnCon Query Critique Day One

Hi everyone! ::waves::

Sorry to be a little late on this. I *just* got home after being stranded on the train outside of Jamaica station for 45 minutes (grrr).

So I picked my first query critique for the day, and I believe that WriteOnCon has posted my takeaway points on their site. But here, I'm going to go into more detail, and I hope that it not only helps the author of this query, but anyone else who is struggling with their query at the moment.

Cheers--JV

Dear Ms. Stampfel-Volpe,

I am seeking literary representation for my completed 74,735 A colleague of mine once said that a sure sign of an inexperienced querier (made up a term?) is when they put the EXACT word count or page count. It’s safe to say 75,000 words in this case. contemporary YA novel "Band Geek".BAND GEEK [or Band Geek]. Unless this is a poem or a song, it shouldn’t be in quotes. Also, completely minor note, but grammar rule: periods and commas are always to be inside the quotation mark. In this case, the quotation mark is misused anyway, but it’s just an fyi.

When Ryan Freeman, a 16 year old romantically challenged band geek and self-professed Beatles fanatic, finds himself paired for a month long World History social experiment Social experiment? What does this mean? with the uber-popular CHELSEA HAMPTON You don’t need to cap characters names like this in queries. You don’t even need to do it in a synopsis, though if you did it there that would be fine (it’s a technique used in film synopses). Even so—if you cap everyone else, why didn’t you cap Ryan’s name?, he finds himself with a unique opportunity to strip away the high school "labels" and get to know the girl of his dreams since the second grade. This is a REALLY long opening sentence. Too many details all crammed into one, making it hard to follow. Also, the last part of the sentence is very blah. There is no tension here! In fact, he’s way too observant and articulate for a 16 yr old boy. Is this REALLY what he thought of when he was paired with her? It wasn’t more like “Holy crap. I’m paired with THE Chelsea Hampton, who I’ve been in love with since the second grade. There is NO way I can talk to her.” Or something? But there's a catch. The assignment is supposed to involve an anonymous exchange of e-mails and chatting online with the person nightly to see if the way the person has been perceived by their outward appearance matches the online persona. This is confusing—how would this even work if they know who they’re paired with? This would be no big deal if Chelsea hadn't dropped her pink glitter Hello Kitty pen in class that day and Ryan hadn't retrieved it, and the slip of paper in his hand with an anonymous e-mail address wasn't written in pink glitter ink. Ahhhh…this is how it’s answered. But you didn’t need to tell us all of this. Because you’ve already confused me and I probably would have stopped reading by the last sentence, if not sooner. In fact, the whole opening of this query can probably be boiled down to this:

Sixteen-year-old, band geek Ryan Freeman finds himself paired on a month long school project with his forever crush Chelsea Hampton…only she doesn’t know it’s him.

Or something like it.

He knows he's got her as his partner, but she has no idea she has him. It also doesn't help that Chelsea is dating the quarterback of the football team, BRODY ACKMANN, who has it in for Ryan after he overhears Brody bragging to his friends that he is cheating on Chelsea with her best friend. Now Ryan has not one but two secrets he must keep from her, or risk unraveling the trust and friendship that builds easily between them in their online chats.

Can Ryan keep his identity a secret from everyone, including his two best friends MYLES and LUCY, long enough to secure a place in Chelsea’s heart or will the friendship they build come tumbling down like a house of cards when she prematurely finds out Ryan has known who she is all along? Or will Lucy potentially change everything when she lets Ryan know she wants to take their friendship to another level? These soap opera-type posed questions feel a little over-the-top. You don’t need gimmicks to make me want to read your story—just tell me about the story! Adding to the mix is making it through marching band season in one piece, his mom’s developing relationship with her new boyfriend, and a Homecoming dance he’ll never forget where his virtual world and real life collide. What is the main focus here? What are the stakes? You state them, but I’m not really sure what the real conflict is…is it just keeping secrets from Chelsea? Making sure she falls in love with him? And the band thing feels kind of tacked on—since it’s the title of the book, I feel like it would have to play a bigger role. Overall, it feels like you’re just throwing a lot of plot detail at us without it all feeling connected.

Infused with comic banter and Beatles trivia galore, the novel aims to penetrate the social stigmas we all remember well in high school. The dialogue-driven story reaches out with hope and a healthy dose of snarky humor for those underdogs everywhere grappling with the angst of being a teenager in a world where what you see isn’t always what you get. I am a HUGE Beatles fan, but there seems no need for them in the story, and at the very least, there is no need for them in the query whatsoever. This is a minor detail and doesn't seem to add to the suspense, the conflict, or the characters in any way to entice me to read more.

I am an active member of SCBWI, and have previously written numerous outreach materials for KCTS/Seattle, including the Emmy-award winning television show Bill Nye the Science Guy. "Bill Nye The Science Guy". Prior to that, I worked in motion picture development as a reader and Development Assistant for Amblin' Entertainment and Hollywood Pictures, soliciting manuscripts and writing coverage on multiple projects. Having spent the last year immersed in the world of marching band via my teenage son and getting to know the kids in the various band ensembles, I decided they may, in fact, be the coolest kids on the planet and deserved to have their own story. This is not a bad thing to mention, but it’s definitely not necessary. It’s not a part of the storyline that needs a particular amount of immersion research or anything, so mentioning it here is not needed.

Thank you for your consideration. I'd love to send you the manuscript and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Monday, Monday--So Good to Me. Er, to You!

Jo and I have had so, so much fun reading all your input on what hooks you, what makes a good query, and what magical phrase can get you to pick up a book.

And for those of you who haven't read the comments, the fabulous Holly came up with this killer Query Checklist, modeled off the few sentences I shared about 13 Reasons Why:

"1) Premise: who is this about (in this case, teenage guy named Clay)
2) Inciting incident: what happens to Clay to rock his world (tape arrives on door)
3) Conflict: What does the inciting incident make the MC do? (find out why she recorded tapes and killed herself)
4) Character motivation: Why does the inciting incident make the MC do #3 (because she was the one girl he loved)

If set up well, this is enough information to hook me!"

YES! This is, point by point, what I would love to see in every query. And that is such an awesome, concise list. Thanks, Holly!

The other thing a lot of you mentioned is the dreaded "I am so close to my characters and story that I am inclined to over-share because OMG I LOVE THEM and want to tell you everything" curse.

As far as writing problems go, I think this is actually a pretty great one. Passion is a much looked for, much loved quality in writers--not only because it means you love your work and will promote the heck out of it, but because it generally means you are passionate about writing itself, and thus very dedicated to continue practicing the craft.

So. I love that you love your story. Trust me, agents want to love it, too. But knowing everything up front rarely (if ever) garners that response. That passion that you have, the same one you want agents to have, comes by hooking and luring.

I have a weird metaphor for this. You know the claw-machines with the stuffed animals inside? Those things ate my allowance every month when I was a kid. My mom frequently reminded me that I could go *buy* a stuffed animal for the kind of money I was blowing. But that wasn't the point. The point was that I wanted to win it. I wanted to feel like I had wanted it, and worked for it, and then won.

Overall, that's how you want readers (and agents) to feel about your book--you want them to develop a personal relationship with the story. Readers should start by caring about the characters, and once they do, have to struggle through the inciting incident with them, so that when the story ends, they feel they have earned the ending through the emotional investment they made with the character/story. And for an agent, that bonding process begins with the query. An overview of the whole story is not going to accomplish what a connection to the main character or the plot set-up will. Agents have to want to invest themselves in the story.

Samantha C. cited an excellent piece of advice from the always amazing Kristin Nelson: write a query based on the first fifty pages of your story. That number of pages should cover a connection to the character, as well as the set-up for the main problem/incident your character will face.

And as a thank you for the thoughtful comments/love you've been showing the blog, we have a giveaway for you!

Also because it is Monday, and this seems like a good way to cure any Monday blues. We'll try to brighten up many more of your Mondays in the future with more free books :)

Today, we have The Writer's Little Helper, by James V. Smith, Jr. It's filled with great checklists, Q&As, and tools for your writing.

To win, leave a comment! It does not have to be about anything in particular. Although if you wanted to share what you were spending all of your allowance on while I spent every last quarter trying to hook stuffed animals, I'd love to hear.

Well, every quarter I had leftover from book-shopping, anyways. A girl has to have priorities.

*Enter the contest by midnight Wednesday (tomorrow) night!

When More is Less

I've noticed an unusual trend in some of the queries we've been getting. They tell me...too much.

I realize why that may sound strange. It's the query! It's your one shot to tell an agent about your book, to convince him or her to read this major accomplishment of yours, and to sell yourself as client material. Shouldn't you tell an agent everything?

Well. No.

Ever since I first heard the words "query letters," I have had a fascination with them. I've read many articles and many blog posts from many different agents and editors concerning the Perfect Query Letter. And one very good piece of advice I've found in just about everything I've read is to "tell the agent what your story is about."

But I think that phrase has the ability to be misinterpreted.

It does not mean, "Give me a bullet point-like paragraph of traits about the main character plus a lot of backstory and then a set up for a plot, but no actual plot." Nor does it mean, "Tell me everything about the plot, including the names of every character in the book, and then tell me who dies in the end." There is a balance in the middle that will do exactly what you want it to: make agents want to read your story.

Ha. Easier said than done. Queries are hard. So hard that what writers are sometimes left with is the very vague advice to "give an agent the plot of the story and the characters, but without giving them the plot of the story or the characters."

But what I've been noticing is that writers want to say everything in their query letter--from the inspiration for the story, to the themes in the story, to a play-by-play of the story, to a detailed author bio that takes up a quarter of the page.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to turn the advice "less can be more," something that definitely applies to queries, into something more concrete and helpful. The best way I can think to approach that is as a reader.

A few weeks ago, during the middle of the worst heat wave I have ever been in, I was trying, and failing, to sleep. My roommate, a fellow literary assistant, suddenly pushed my door open. "Are you sleeping?" she asked. "No," I said. "What's up?"

She had just finished reading Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. And she needed to talk about it. Right away. Here's what she told me before leaving the book on my bedside table:

"It's about this kid named Clay. He comes home from school, and finds a package of thirteen tapes on his doorstep. He pops one in, and the voice that comes through the speakers of his stereo belongs to Hannah. A girl he loved. A girl who just killed herself. Apparently, there are thirteen people who made Hannah want to give up on herself. And Clay is one of them. Before she died, she recorded these tapes, one for each person, explaining how each of them made her life feel unsaveable. Now Clay has to find out what he unknowingly did to make the one girl he wanted feel so unloved."

So what about that made me decide to give up on sleep and read the book cover to cover instead?

1. The premise. Very interesting; very chill-inducing. I'd always wondered what the title of this book meant when I saw it on the shelf, and I loved the way it tied into the plot.

2. I already cared about the characters, Clay and Hannah. What happened? How did those wires get so crossed?

3. I had to find out what Clay did.

The set-up, the characters, and the hook were succinctly conveyed, and gave me a good amount of information without drowning me in details.

So it's not perfect as a written query, but you can see why I had to read that book.

I would love to be able to translate what worked here in all three areas into something more adaptable and usable for all the brave query-writers out there. So I need some help from you guys, if you're willing.

Tell me what makes YOU want to read a book. When a friend says, "You have to read this book," what do they say about it that convinces you? For writers who have already completed the query process, what worked for you when you wrote your query? What do you wish you'd done differently?

If it's an interesting topic for you guys, let's spend the week discussing :) I'm so curious to see both what hooks you, and what you've used as hooks.

And in the meantime, enjoy some more vague advice: